Speaking Different Language

Mars and Venue in Love - John Gray, Ph.D.

Chapter 4:

Woman use language, just like me do, to make points and solve problems. however, they also use talking as a way of discovering what they want to say; and sometimes they talk about their feelings in order to sort things out, as a means toward eventually feeling better. At other times, women feel a need to share and express their feelings, simply as a mean to get closer, to experience greater intimacy.

Men don't instinctively understand these various approaches, because men tend to use language primarily as a way of making points. When men talks about problems, they are generally looking for solutions. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks about her feelings and problems his role as listener is to efficiently assist her in feeling better by offering her solutions. Like a fireman in an emergency situation, he is impatient to gets the fire and put it out as quickly as possible. When she is upset, he wants to put out the fire of her feelings by giving solutions.

Learning to listen patiently - and not just passively - is a new skill for men. yet repeatedly men report hat keeping quiet and resisting the strong tendency to interrupt a woman with solutions has dramatically improved their relationships. Their partners are much happier and appreciative. Lucky is the man who discovers that satisfying a woman's need to communicate and be heard is the most important requirement in making relationships loving and harmonious. When a man is a good listener, a woman can repeatedly find the place in her heart that is capable of loving him and embracing him just the way he is.

Lesson learned: Listen. You don't have to find a solution for all the problem. The act of listening is more important than the solution.

Guess that's why lots of people say communication is the best remedy for all problems couples faced. If you learn to talk to each other with no hidden agenda, listen to each other, let it all out, don't bottle it inside, talk it all out, more marriage could be saved.

It's okay because it's for the family

A mother, T, was sharing that her husband bought a new car knowing that she disapprove of it. He brought her to see the car and she shared her disapproval to change their car. But few days later, he came home from work telling her he has bought that car.

She was fuming mad. So she was sharing it in our parenting forum.

One mom said "you are lucky he is spending it on the family and not on some other woman".

Other mom said " better for him to be spending on cars than drinking/gambling, or worse, women leh!!"

What the hell is that?
What if he is making this purchase to impress the other woman?
What if he is making this purchase to cover up for what he has been spending on the other woman?
Comments like this tick me off. Sometimes I feel that people make comments like this because they didn't experience it. When it happened to them, they will be singing a different tune.

Personally, I feel that T is mad not so much about the money they have to spend financing this new car. It's the act of purchasing the car knowing that she disapprove of it.

I would think that when a couple wants to make a purchase of this nature where the $$$ will be a huge sum, they should talk it over. They should weigh out the pros and cons, the needs and wants issue and come to a conclusion together if it's right to make the purchase. After all, you are a couple. You are suppose to make decision together right?

This is not like woman going out to spend on a $10,000 handbag. A car with a well-established brand can cost as much as a house in some countries. You don't go and make such purchase without telling your partner, do you? Of course if you are a millionaire and this little spending is just a drop in the ocean for you, that's a totally different story. However, for an average middle-income family, buying a car is a huge commitment, especially in a country like Singapore.